Ich verlasse die Straßen (2003/09/13)

Ich verlasse die Strassen

gehe ein in das Licht

umarme das große "Fürchte-dich-nicht".

Die Welt hat sich gedreht,

der Herr hat mir den Kopf verdreht.

Die Welt hat sich gewandelt,

mein altes Weltbild verschandelt,

er hat das Kaleidoskop bewegt,

die Wirklichkeit gedreht.

Ich habe die Wahrheit in mir,

hab sie immer, hab sie hier,

und will nur noch eins,

danach leben, oder keins.

Werd's manchmal vielleicht vergessen,

zulassen dass Sorge und

Angst an mir fressen

doch kehre ich stets zurück

ins Jetzt und Hier

komme stets zurück zu mir
und zu guter Letzt zu Dir.

Ich verlasse die Gleise

die mir einst vorgegeben

trete ein in die Wildnis

meines noch ungeschöpften Lebens,

verlasse die Wege

tauche ein ins Nichts

und umarme auf ewig

das große "Ich bin" / "Bin nicht".

lost in thoughts (2003/07/18)

It is too much

it simply is too

much

everything is too much

cooking – too much

shopping for food – too much

going to work – too much

going to school – too much

taking care of business – too much

talking to people, strangers and friends alike – too much

smiling – too much

trusting – too much

deciding – too much

seeking a flat – too much.

I am so tired

I want to sleep

let everything sag

my face, my jaw

my skull, my skin

my soul

my brain

my thoughts

I want to let everything sag

against my soft, sweet-scented pillow.

I want to draw a breath

unencumbered

I want to heave a sigh

letting the air stream freely

without purpose

just for breathing’s sake

I want to no longer

think “I have to”

which is all I’m thinking now.

I want to think about God leisurely

talk to him

concentrate on him

on me

reflect my life

think about its purpose

where do I want it to go

oh – I so long to be free

of everything, only for some weeks

and be able to dig deep

unencumbered by daily worries.

I am so tired.

My throat aches.

My body is a load.

My emotions a turmoil

I’m too tired to groom.

My room is a mess, has been a mess for weeks.

I’m unable to clean it up

- reflection of my soul?

I am so tired.

I know I am headed in the right direction,

but what twists and turns my path is taking now,

I know not.

Maybe I’m trying too hard.

Maybe I should just let it go.

See what happens.

But what about

“getting back what you put in”

“not letting yourself being discouraged”?

“not giving up”?

When am I giving up? When am I clinging to

something that’s just not meant to be?

How to make out the difference?

I am so tired.

I am so tired of worrying.

Of thinking. Of evaluating.

Of being scared.

I am so tired of worrying.

watching a friend in pain (2003/02/04)

how does it feel?

everything oh so heavy

a nightmare become: trivial,

horrible, daily: life. Yours.

You tell yourself your life

is fine – otherwise.

These are just weeks,

they will pass,

grains of sand on the

near endless beach of

time you were allotted.

But in the small hours

of dusk and dawn,

the ache is near,

it’s here, in bed with you,

close to your heart,

is your heart.

To know that he whom

you love,

he who could stand close

to you, whose touch would

so alleviate your sorrow...

... is busy elsewhere,

can’t be with you, or only

marginally so.

And you are so fair a

soul, so clear-sighted –

not for you the

option of blind anger,

of teary accusations:

“Where were you

when I needed you?!!”

This is not your voice.

(As it might have been mine.)

You know far too well

what he’s busy with, why

he can’t be there in

person, and only a

little in mind.

That is the strength that I admire.

Not only that you would

honor your duty to your father,

and still keep up your

academic efforts.

You have the strength to

keep in mind, even in

such strenuous times,

how much wanting someone

whom you love to be free,

to be fully himself,

the best he or she can be,

can cost. Especially at times like these.

I watch you, having heard you

proclaim that knowledge,

being in need –

and unflinchingly,

paying up.

I only wish your eyes weren’t so puffed.